TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be large. Huge!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed in the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely out of place. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable water. But Certainly, confident, let's have A further area in which American men can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try considering the fact that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer Absolutely everyone a set around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable ability," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements fewer diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he really should end employing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the job, replied, "You recognize, person, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Excellent tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit on the Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the resort's landscaping sorts a giant Trump head seen from space, a aspect getting promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents as well as chin is… nicely, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following obtaining the setting up's gold plating Trump Tower Damascus reflected a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not just unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Options


Probably the strangest ingredient of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium the place attendees may well contemplate vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Technique: "If You Bomb It, They may Arrive"


The advertisement campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "in which's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting attention from Worldwide traders, which include:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial level can even include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Based on the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge where by my PTSD can have change-down provider."


A different article from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reviews propose:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Ultimate Views through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You happen to be welcome."

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